You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
