best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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