Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
