the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
