we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
its liver damage thursday
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
