I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
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The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
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She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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