Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My vagina is officially offended.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
