I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Floor bacon is actually really good
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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