Betty ford says i'm here all night
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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