I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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