He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
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Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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