Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
