I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
