you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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