so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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