Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
