at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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