my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
