Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
