I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
