3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
