I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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