i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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