I like to think it a success when the cops are called
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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