Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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