You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
