I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
