do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
