He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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