I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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