and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
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You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
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Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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