when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
