if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
