i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
