awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I need moral support for this bender
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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