Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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