i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
