stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
