tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
