I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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