fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
