I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Randomize
