come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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