if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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