No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
