that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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