but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
