True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
