Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Two words: blizzard sex
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
