After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
