that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
