I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
