oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
