So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
