I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
