On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
