Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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