I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
